We celebrated the world suicide prevention day a couple of weeks ago (10th September), remembering all the lives lost to this dreaded condition which is actually the number 2 killer of adolescents after accidents. In my last post about devices and how it affects our health, I had talked about the dangers of the blue light from devices causing significant disturbance in our sleep and vision. What I also wanted to highlight is that this blue light has been linked to mental health conditions like depression, anxiety and mood disorders.When you come to think of it, mental health and well-being is taboo topic and never spoken at our dinner table and in family conversations. Everyone feels absolutely fine discussing about their financial troubles, their relationship issues, their physical health problems to all and any one who cares to listen. But what about our mind? Do we really talk about how we are feeling on the inside to anyone? Do we ever ask our children what makes them angry or sad and try to address their feelings? Today in this post let’s talk about such “uncomfortable conversations” that we need to have with our children to support the mental health of the child.
When you come to think of it, mental health and well-being is taboo topic and never spoken at our dinner table and in family conversations. Everyone feels absolutely fine discussing about their financial troubles, their relationship issues, their physical health problems to all and any one who cares to listen. But what about our mind? Do we really talk about how we are feeling on the inside to anyone? Do we ever ask our children what makes them angry or sad and try to address their feelings? Today in this post let’s talk about such “uncomfortable conversations” that we need to have with our children.
Firstly who needs the talk?
When children suddenly begin to have problems eating or sleeping, show a lot of mood swing and anger outbursts at home or stop talking about their friends and pretty much about anything from school it’s time to sit up and take notice and look for what’s lurking beneath?
Many children who are teens and pre-teens have easy access to pornography, harmful drugs and alcohol like never before. Substance abuse at a young age further isolates the child and makes them vulnerable to fall down the rabbit hole of depression and suicidal ideations. If your well performing child suddenly has poor grades at school, tells you about feeling lonely or trapped and has no interest and joy in doing seemingly fun activities you must wake up to the reality that something is amiss. So who needs the talk? Every child needs to be told that ‘life is not a bed of roses’. The thorns will come some day and what matters is how we face them. Encourage your child to always be open and share their feelings rather than bottle them up.Some children who cannot express through words do so by actions like writing violent poems or drawing gory images often hinting about suicide and killing. These are all silent cries of help which needs to be heard.
Where is the love to support mental health of the child ?
Remember when you first held your baby in your arms? How happy you were? The sense of pride and the love you felt? The multiple hugs and kisses you showered on your child when they spoke their first word or took their first step? Most of us are so caught up in our life that we no longer have the time to share that love and joy with our children anymore. Endless meetings, deadlines and work pressure mean that your children have to make do with your material love rather than parental love. When was the last time you hugged or kissed your child and told them you love them? Most children have never been taken to a park or gone for walks with their parents. Most of them never enjoy painting or baking with their moms, gardening with their dads or plain singing to their hearts content with their siblings. What they are missing out is replaced with a device and family time has become nonexistent. No matter how old the child gets you as parents should make it a routine to have time to talk to each of your children individually. This time is not when you watch a movie together but actually just you catching up on their lives. Children love to share their day, their friends, their feeling and difficulties. If we take the time out to listen you will discover a lot about your child that you never knew before.
Talk therapy to support the mental health of the child
In Psychiatry when patients come with symptoms of depression the psychiatrist often allows the individual to talk and talk to their hearts content. Just by talking and sharing their burden seems lighter when they step out of the outpatient room. Similarly at home regularly have a talk session with your child. Be mindful of the words you use around them. Do not be overtly critical if they express sadness, do not trivialise their concerns by telling ‘all this is nothing’ the message they might take back is that you do not care about their feelings. Instead of being critical and judgemental respond by asking them to express more, why do they feel that way and how you can help. Remember, our children did not come with a manual. Parenting is a life long journey and it is by trial and error that you will find what suits your child best. The mental health of the child is a key factor that every parent should give enough importance. Please read here to learn about some therapies to improve mental health of the child.
Why are suicides among children common nowadays?
1. Children are like sponge and will absorb what happens around them very quickly. So if your house is in shambles, you are always working, your always fighting with your spouse and in laws, shouting and cursing, do not expect your child to become a saint. The apple does not fall far from the tree so be mindful of your actions around your child. A very stressful environment at home will push a child to feel lonely and isolated preferring to ‘end it all’.
2. Sky is the limit- the expectations of parents have now become trifold. This is infact affecting the mental health of the child to a great extent. I remember lazing around most of my holidays at my grandparents house climbing trees with my brother or just reading a good novel. I don’t think boredom was a word I was familiar with at that time. Now the day is packed for our children. School, extra classes, music, dance, poetry, elocution, karate classes, swimming lessons and so much more. Where is the time for them to just relax? Even ten minutes without an activity or the phone makes them feel ‘bored’. So in the hope of overcoming this boredom we are further packing their days with more paid activities. Since we have paid for their classes we demand that they become an expert swimmer, eloquent speaker, graceful dancer and an exceptional artist all the while performing exceedingly well at studies. These mighty expectations on such tender shoulders is bound to make them feel worthless and small. Always encourage your child to learn something new just for the fun of it. Also let them experience boredom and the feeling of nothing to do for sometime in the day. That’s how their adult life is going to be almost half the time.
3. Unfamiliar with failure- close on the heels of parental expectations lies the child’s own expectations to become the best. Are you someone who claps and tells your children they are the best at something even when they are not? A child who has always been praised and glorified for their achievement finds it very difficult when the appreciation dries up. Positive affirmation is definitely great but always sugar coating your child’s achievements will only make them feel invincible with pride. Call a ‘spade a spade’ and give constructive feedback to your child. Believe me they will be grateful for this in the future as it will actually help them to overcome any setback in the real world with ease.
4. Comparison woes- ‘the grass will always look greener for some’. Comparing with the neighbours child or with other children at school or even pitting one child against other is a very dangerous habit. The child will not only foster animosity against the other children but also begin to question their own self worth and capabilities. If you must compare always compare the progress your child had made from yesterday. If her exam scores had improved from the last one appreciate her by showing how far she has come since the last time. This will be motivation in itself for the child to do better. Constant comparison doesn’t help but it would adversely affect the mental health of the child.
5. Peer pressure- in their most formative years children tend to mimic their peers a lot. This is because their personality and identity is just developing. They will like the same movies, pop bands, play the same games and often pick some of their habits and curses as well. Even if your family and surroundings are stable, your child can be stressed just because his friends seem stressed and unhappy. Remember ‘misery loves company’. So it’s always good to find out more about who your child’s friends are? What are their interactions with them? Many children succumb to peer pressure and resort to smoking, drinking and partying just to please their friends and look ‘cool’. As parents this is not the time to judge but rather gently yet firmly show them the right path.
What’s the right way to talk about mental health with a child?
1. Parents who had lost their child to suicide often lament that had they known about it they would have asked their child if they were feeling suicidal and sought timely help. The statistics are scary. For every successful suicide there have been 20 such unsuccessful attempts. The number one fear among parents is that bringing up suicide in conversations might make them feel suicidal. On the contrary, if you ask your struggling teenager this very question they might actually feel more loved and comforted with the feeling that you care. Create a safe environment such that your child can ask all their questions and do not avoid such a discussion just because it makes you feel uncomfortable. If you find your child is troubled and struggling with coping with life, don’t shy away from having the talk with them. Seek professional help at the earliest.
2. Presence not presents-As parents we are faced with this mighty task of shaping the life of the child. Many falter on the way by replacing their love with presents rather than their presence. Teaching your children, helping them with homework, doing chores together, playing board games or a game of badminton on the street, going on vacations, cooking their favourite meal and doing fun activities with them is what they need. Your child needs to always feel that no matter what they can always count on their parents. They do not need a friend for they will find plenty of friends in their lifetime what they need is parental guidance. So be present for them as much as you can. If your current work profile is not allowing you to do so, time to rethink your priority, maybe cut back on the working hours and focus on the most important job you as a parent have. After all your child will not remain young forever. Remember your presence is very important for the mental health of the child.
3. Play therapy- a lot of board games and puzzles for young children actually trains them subconsciously in problem solving. Similarly playing games both board games and field games teaches a child to experience success and work in a team, to face failures and defeat. Such coping skills are very essential for a child to face the reality of the world. So do encourage your child to play with other children in your neighbourhood everyday rather than go attend extra classes.
4. Let them fight their battles- when your child runs up to you complaining about their friends and how they are bullied, what do you do? Do you go and complain immediately to the teacher or create a fuss at school. As parents it’s very normal for our maternal instincts to kick in and protect them. But sometimes it’s fine to ‘unparent’ them and let the child fight some of their battles themselves. Let them come up with their innovative solutions to their problems but always be there when it gets beyond them.
Conclusion remarks
‘When the going gets tough the tough get going’- used to be one of my favourite songs growing up. The lyrics spoke about how when tough times hit us the stronger ones amongst us will get up no matter what and keep going. The strongest amongst us are those who have a strong cushion to fall back on. Let us as parents be that cushion to break the fall of our children and give them that confidence to get back right up.
The talk about mental health problems especially depression, substance abuse, anxiety and suicide should be done with children even as young as 7 itself. Age appropriate conversations should be encouraged and timely help can save many children from this serious tragedy and prevent any parents worst nightmare from becoming a reality.